I haven't written in a bit-- and this time it's not because of
procrastination. I've actually been wanting to blog for a while but
haven't had the time. We've had a NUMBER of changes-- though all
exciting ones- in the D household. I recently went back to work after
being home with Mabel for 6 months. I was very lucky to get a lengthy
maternity leave, and I adored my time with Mabel. I look back most
fondly upon our mornings together, when she would first wake up and I'd
pull her into bed with me and she'd either nod back off or we'd play
silly games and she would make her little nutty sounds as she greeted
the day. It's fun watching a baby in the morning-- each new day is like
entry into a new world all over again. Mabel would stare at every
little corner of her room, mouth agape in what seemed to be amazement. I
will also miss our Sesame Street viewings; I'm aware that a 6- month-
old doesn't know what the hell she is watching on the TV, but she
certainly recognized Elmo, or to her, that red blob that makes the funny
noises. I LOVED seeing her light up and coo when Elmo would take to
the screen. I could go on and bore you for a while, but I feel
emotional about and nostalgic for our time together, especially those first few months when having a baby in the house was so
new, and even anxiety- provoking, but so very cool. All this
sentimental blabber carries a "however" though... I was ready to get
back to work. People told me I might cry. They told me I would both
love and dread receiving texted pictures of Mabel from the day care
provider, that I would miss her terribly and it would be an incredible
adjustment. People even said, graciously, "Reach out if you need
anything! This week's gonna be a killer for you!" Thus, anticipation
gripped me, but when August 27th rolled around... dare I say it? I was
F-I-N-E fine. Now, I do realize that much of the challenge in
going back to work after a maternity leave comes when you have to leave
the little munchkin at the day care, and as you walk out, she is
following you with her eyes, seeming to plead, "Dooooon't goooo!" But
maybe why this was all so much easier on me was because I had my mom
watching her for the first few days, which offers a certain elevated
level of comfort, and when Mabel did go to day care, J was dropping her
off, not me. I didn't have the actual "leaving her behind" image in my
head all day; in fact, when I leave in the mornings, Mabel is often
still comfortably asleep. Another reason why I didn't go to the super- sad
place might be that I really like and trust our day care provider. T is
utterly thoughtful, conscientious, and devoted. When I arrive for pick- up, Mabel is often marveling at the toddlers working on a puzzle, smiling up a
storm. It makes me feel relieved to know she enjoys being at T's house
so much. But if none of these reasons make sense, then maybe I am
missing a certain Mom gene that makes ladies cry when their tikes go off
to someone else's care. When T texts me pictures, I light up seeing
Mabel attentively concentrating on a toy or crazily laughing while in a
swing at the playground. I never feel sad. Maybe I am an oddball?!
But frankly, and I hope folks don't judge, but I couldn't wait to get
back to some adult interaction. Elmo is dear to me, but I needed more.
I guess that's who I am, but figuring out my own parenting path and my
identity as a mom is part of this whole rookie gig to begin with. I
like having routine in my day, and working with teenagers as a high
school teacher. As much as I grouse, I actually enjoy putting on work
clothes and making early morning coffee and scrambling to get my lunch
made in time (J very kindly has alleviated this responsibility lately
for me!). As much as I know I am going to be bitching and moaning like
crazy about stress soon enough, I know where I need to be and what I
need to be doing in order to be a happy mom, which to me is the best mom
I can be to Mabel. I'm digressing a bit, but I heard an author on NPR
the other day (wish I knew her name now); she has recently published a
book about parenting, focusing on the argument that having kids often
doesn't fulfill people in the ways they had envisioned. She is a
feminist and some of her theories seemed a little harsh to me, a bit
tough to wrap my head around (ie- her claim that being a parent is NOT
the most important thing you will do with your life if you are indeed a
parent). But what I liked is that she made the point that parenting can
be a joy, and it can also be a challenge. Kids make us laugh and grant
us happiness, but it's not their jobs to MAKE US HAPPY. That's a lot
of responsibility to put upon a baby. We can love our kids more than
anything, but not love every second of time we spend with them, and
that's okay. I think Mabel's going to day care is good for all three of
us. She's experiencing new people, places, and activities, and J and I
are both working doing things we are passionate about. I see it as a
win- win.
The other big change is that we moved into our new house.
Formerly renters, we are very excited to be owners! Closing on the
purchase AND moving in the same day was a herculean task, but we got it
done. Mabel seemed out of sorts-- both excited and confused- for a
couple days, but now she's back to stompin' and sittin' and swingin' and
sleepin' just as before. We are elated to have more space-- especially
because various baby gear was taking up almost our entire previous
living quarters. I couldn't get from the couch to the kitchen without
stepping on the "Lights n Sound Gym" thing or stubbing my toe on the
swing posts. Mabel gets her very own play area in the new digs.
Fun new adventures for us all... And we are loving them. When I
start to beat myself up for not being more sad about leaving M at day
care, I can make myself feel better with my gushy, sentimental reaction
to the fact that our little apartment, in which I was pregnant with
Mabel and to which we welcomed Mabel as a newborn, is now just a
memory. For all the complaining we did, that time when she was so new
and teeny will stand out as one of the most memorable of my life, and it
all took place in that little living space. I'm sure I will be driving
by it a few times here and there, swabbing a Kleenex across my cheek.
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