Enough with the Victim Stuff

There is this status on Facebook that I've seen people post before, and that I saw yesterday again, which drives me nutso.  It goes like this:

To all the UNSELFISH MOMS out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for ponytails, long showers for quick showers, late nights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags & WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING. Lets see how many Moms can actually post this. Moms who DON’ T CARE about what they gave up and instead, LOVE what they got in return! Post this if you LOVE your LIFE as a mom ♥

I can't decide whether I should laugh or vomit each time I see this post.  I mean no offense to the women who post it-- probably with good intentions as an act of solidarity given how grueling parenthood can be.  I get that.  And I get wanting to feel good about something that can make you feel like a totally inept piece of shiz on some days.  But let's face it-- this post unfairly puts those who chose to be mothers on a creepy, martyrish kind of pedestal.

First, this post makes parenthood sound like a chore that has been put upon some folks.  Oh, poor you, you're a mom.  I don't think motherhood should be known as pitiable.  Even on days when I'm bitching my face off about Mabel's temper tantrums, I know I'm lucky to have her, and there are wonderful women all around me who are facing the agonizing devastation of infertility.  Yeah, there are tough days.  But parenthood is still a magnificent gift.  It's hard to feel sorry for the people who are lucky enough to receive it.

I'm also bothered by this dumb- ass status because of its insinuation that mothers are in some sort of elite club.  They are unselfish, and all other people are selfish.  When I was single and on the dating scene, hoping to someday have a family but fully aware of the possibility I wouldn't, a post like this would have made my blood boil.  (I'm glad I didn't see it back then.)  People who get to go to the salon because they have more free time at night, or who spend a lot of money on shoes and clothes because they can and want to, should not feel less.  They aren't any less.  Their lives are different, yes, from those of mothers.  But those lives are still fulfilling.  While I was living on my own, I didn't have Mabel's face to cheer me and to marvel at each day, but I had my own hobbies and loves and pursuits.  That life was not any less meaningful than the lives of my mom- friends.  I hate the assertion that non- mothers are lepers.

Perhaps most irritating about this garbage is that it suggests that once you are a mother, you give up every piece of your own, pre- baby life.  I have gotten a salon hair- cut and color every 5 or 6 weeks continually since we've had Mabel.  If I were a single mom, making the time would be harder, but I would do it.  Yes, I have a diaper bag now, but I still have a purse I like.  Why would you have to pick one or the other?  I have never been a buyer of expensive bags-- they're just not me-- but if I were, I'd find a way to still do it now, even if it meant giving up something else.  And that's the point people should be making-- maybe you have to give up some stuff you used to purchase because the expenses of the baby demand doing so, but you got a delightful gift in return, so STFU.  And really, if you can't manage a long shower-- even if it has to be at night after the kid goes to sleep-- then you've got other issues.  Why does this status suggest you have to give up all your activities and joys because you are a mother?

I've observed that most posts like this-- that include some sort of "share if you believe this!"-- exist to validate people's troubles.  Some mom out there is having trouble navigating the challenges of parenthood-- or she is resentful of it--  so she wants this thing to go viral so she feels better about herself.  Let's make the mothers into martyrs and everyone else into personas- non- grata, and that will make all the hard stuff seem worthwhile.  In the meantime, you seem an attention- seeking victim, chanting "Woe is me!"

I've mentioned in my blog before that I don't think my being a mother makes me any more human than the next person.  I think back to a lunch- table conversation at work years ago, when a well- meaning colleague told another (single and non- parent) colleague that he "couldn't understand" how hard it was to hear some news story (I forget what it was) because he wasn't a parent.  Yeah, THAT makes sense.  You can't understand pain and suffering if you're not a parent.  You can't empathize.  You're basically devoid of human emotion.  Man, that thinking chaps my butt.  I know many unbelievably caring, unselfish, and emotionally in- tune people who don't have kids.  While they might not immediately picture their own kids when they see a commercial for fundraising for Children's Hospital and feel their anxiety levels rise, they know what it's like for a little kid to be sick.  They've got families, and they WERE kids once, and they know how fear and fright feel.

And so, for the moms/ dads/ parents out there who feel yourselves to be praiseworthy or pitiable or whatever it is that compels someone to post that silly status, please remember a few things: you wanted this, you've got a great deal going, and you are supposed to still have a life.  If you don't, it's not for other people to "like" or "share" to give you validation.  Go put cucumbers over your eyes, get your butt to the hairdresser, and quit the complaining.