Lessons

Over the past 18.5 months, since parenthood greeted me, I have been learning.  Much of the time, I don't even realize I am a student.  But I am going to share some lessons today-- lessons I have learned about inevitabilities in parenting.

1. Your house will never be clean again.  If you clean the muck, you will have clutter-- and vice- versa.  You can hire a cleaning crew or get on your hands and knees and scrub like a madwoman every day, but some form of dirt or plastic blocks or dirty laundry haphazardly dumped from a basket will always thwart you.  You must adopt the "best I can" mantra and genuinely live it.  I have been repeatedly convinced I could be a good foe for messes, but, alas, I give up the struggle.  I am still going to clean my house, but it is never going to look like it did pre- kid.  You need to just surrender.  You will feel better.

2.  You will watch the kids' TV shows you always hated before having kids.  My friend came over once when I was single and talked of the likes of Bob the Builder and Word Girl.  I did not give a shiz who these toons were.  None of it excited me and I didn't even want to hear about why her kids liked the shows.  You will not only start watching kid tv, but you will start opining on the shows.  I can tell you that I like Sesame Street, Sid the Science Kid, Super Why, Martha Speaks, and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, and that I loathe Thomas the Tank Engine.  I tolerate Caillou and The Cat in the Hat.  I could give specific reasons for each and sing the theme songs too.  Many days at work go by when my head is-- all day long-- infiltrated by the melody of "Look up high, in the sky, it's a bird, it can fly... Let's all hurry to the flying fairy school!"

3.  You will become, in at least one way, the mom you said you wouldn't be.  Pre- kids, I rolled my eyes when friends would say their kids were sleeping in their beds with them, or that they were too nervous to leave their kids with a sitter.  It was so easy at the time to scorn and criticize.  "They are just screwing these kids up!"  You later learn a little bit more about what it's like when your kid won't fall back to sleep in the crib and you yourself are looking for a modicum of rest.  You also find out what it's like not to trust most people with your kid.  It's instinctual.  Just accept it.  Yup, you are that woman now. 

4.  Everyone has an opinion.  From whether you should nurse, to whether you should sleep train, to what kind of frickin' baby food you should serve, a lot of folks around you will want to give you the "best" advice.  When the advice is unsolicited, it's most annoying, so learn to avoid the baby topic with the people who like to offer without request.  But be careful, too, about whom you ask for help.  A well- meaning bit of feedback could be a full report on the dangers of crib bumpers or a l00- part list of foods that constipate kids.  We must consider that as humans, we like to feel useful.  Naturally, we want to offer the best helping hand we can.  People are well- meaning but they can still be as condescending or frustrating as all get- out.  Ask for help only from people you can tolerate.

5. Speaking of help, don't go online to parent boards.  A little Web MD never hurt anyone, eh?  Well, I would debate that, as was evidenced by my search there for "dizziness" in which I had unreservedly decided I had a brain tumor.  But parent boards can be more grotesque.  People troll and write dumb things.  They also want to be know- it- alls.  And you will see on those boards the saddest, most extreme forms of dire happenings.  Parent boards will make you feel inept OR gloomy about the state of the world OR paranoid about your choices OR just pissed off at how dumb people are.  Don't go on boards often.  Call the pedi office or ask a well- meaning, non- lecturey friend.

6. It's okay to just want a break.  I read this article about mindfulness when parenting-- in fact, I know for sure I referenced it in a blog entry.  And yes, I do need to be more mindful.  I need to slow down and smell the proverbial roses sometimes.  For sure.  But this piece insinuated you were horrible for checking your watch  to count down to when the kid will go to sleep.  I mean, are we supposed to be superhuman?  Are we supposed to never long for alone time?  Are we supposed to be patient and giving 24/7?  I am not.  I have tried my best, and on most days I do well.  But I have decided it's ok if your kid's whines are driving you to drink and you're going to put him to bed 20 minutes early tonight because can you ever just watch Jeopardy in peace?! 


More to come... And I know I don't have to say it, but my caveat is this:  Obviously, despite the difficulties I am presenting lightheartedly here, parenting is the sweetest and most awe- inducing thing you can dream of.  Even when you have poop on your thumb or mushy seeds from an apple flung on pretty rug.