Lists for Worriers

I am well aware that not everyone in this world is a worrier like I am (ah, the biting envy to be like they!).  But sometimes well- intentioned non- worriers like to dole out advice.  And as a worrier, I can see the purpose, but the message gets lost.  And so I would like to provide this list of things that are completely unhelpful for worriers to hear.

1. Relax.  
Huh, you know what?  You're right.  I should just relax.  I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner.  I will go ahead and find that handy off- switch in my brain and turn it.  Then I will calm down, and you will be my savior for imploring me to do so.

2. Don't worry about it. 
This one isn't all that different from "relax" but it's perhaps a softer blow-- the diet version of "relax" because it's less of a command.  But again, okay, I will inform my brain to stop worrying.  That ought to do the trick.  If only I were as smart as you and could have figured that out before, my life would be so different.  Thank you for suggesting I should change my brain.

3. You can't do anything about it, so worrying won't help. 
This one intrigues me.  It's partly based on rationale, and rational thinking is commonly known as a good thing.  It's like one of those proof things in Logic class: since I can't do "a," I shouldn't do "b."  But the mind of a worrier is far from rational.  We can know something intellectually and still have that knowledge be of no use.  Of course I know that worrying won't really change a situation, but, again, I can't turn worry mode off.  Plus, you sound so direly negative when you present the fact that I have no control.  Throw me a bone here.  Let me think I can do something.

4.  If X (bad thing) is meant to happen, it's going to.  So just don't even think about it. 
Well, now there is some real sunshiny thinking if I ever heard any.  I get where you're going with this-- let the world go on as it will; stop trying to intervene.  The universe has a plan, yadda- yadda.  But all you are doing is making me worry more that the universe has a bad plan for me.  You're also telling me not to think about something, which shall, consequently, make me dwell. 

5.  It could be worse. 
Yes, the world can always be worse.  I know this.  An avalanche of cruelty can always hit.  But right now I am focused on worrying about this one thing.  All other possibilities are irrelevant, and your mentioning them makes me worry about them.  Please don't point out the obvious-- that in life, someone always has it worse.  No brainer.

6. I totally get why you are so worried. 
This one is my favorite because I can see more clearly than with any of the others the truly good intention here: commiseration.  The non- worrier wants to let the worrier know that he or she understands and the worrier is not psychotic.  But what we hear is, "Yes, there is a very good possibility that horrible thing is going to happen, so your worry makes good sense."  It's definitely kind to let someone know he or she is not a lunatic, but when you confirm one's worry, you perpetuate it.  I would rather hear someone say, "Dude, you are being a psycho.  That bad thing is never going to happen."  I can then repeat that to myself as a mantra.

I'm not just going to bitch about the things people say that are wrong.  I am going to also offer up some suggestions for perhaps more successful comments when dealing with a chronic worrier.

1. What would help to ease the worry?
Sometimes I myself need to think about this question as I get so very wrapped up in a rumination.  Asking me this question may make me slow down and pause and see how I can find a solution.  Even if you don't want to, offering a listening ear could make a world of difference.  After all, worriers love venting.  We need to get it all out there, all 12 tons of garbled, nervous mess.

2.  Stats-- if they are good ones
As I have blogged about before, I have a love- hate relationship with the Internet when it comes to worrying.  I can find stats that scare me, but if I look hard enough, I can find ones that satiate me.  If you can point out to a worrier the scientific unlikelihood of a possibility, it'll probably help.  (If the stats go in the other direction-- and only prove how LIKELY the bad event is-- please, please refrain.) A true worrier will still be a little convinced he or she will be in the wee percentage of the victims, but hearing that you've got a better likely outcome DOES help.

3. LOL-- you are being crazy!
Or something light and airy to that effect.  It goes in tandem with what I said in number 6 above.  Please do make me feel crazy.  I trust your opinion, so I may step back and go, "Huh-- maybe I am psycho."  I won't be able to fully relent, but I will a bit.

4. Want to get a beer? 
Call me a lush if you want, but a good cocktail can do wonders.  Unfortunately, this one is not an option if you are pregnant or at work.  Well, I guess some people drink at work, but the vast lot of us don't.  Never underestimate the power of a table or bar, a bartender, and good conversation.  If you want to hear me put something to rest fast, suggest beers, let me vent for like ten minutes, and then casually move the conversation away.  Sometimes talking about it over and over is the key-- and you are going to need some alcohol to deal with the listening.