This is a blog entry that I will have to title when I am done, because I haven't even decided yet where it is going to go. I have some ideas I want to write about, but I have no plan. This sort of fly- by- the- seat- of- my- pants writing is counter to everything I teach my students about the writing process, but the beauty of a blog is I get to defy all those rules. So we will see.
But what's been on my mind is how much Mabel is changing-- and fast. She's been taking unassisted steps for a while, but last Friday, on our snow day, she became an official walker, unsteadily traveling around the house on only two limbs for pretty much the entire day. It was crazy-- it happened overnight. People told me her walking might go that way, but since she had been taking steps-- and more and more each time she would try-- I figured her walking would be a more progressive thing. Nope- she decided Friday she wanted to do it, and she did.
J and I were lucky because we were stuck home in the blizzard (which at first was unpleasant), so we got to see Mabel make this change. The best part about her walking has been how happy she is doing it. Yesterday, she and I spent a good solid 20 minutes doing possibly the cutest thing I have ever seen her engage in. She would start at the corner wall between the little hallway and living room, and would walk fast to me, full steam ahead, with an ear- to- ear grin, sometimes laughing a little too. Then, when she was almost to me, she would leap into my arms, and I'd grab her and she'd laugh hysterically. She'd then get right up, look back at me for an OK, and walk back to the wall, and then repeat the whole thing-- over and over and over. Despite its repetitive nature, I didn't mind the activity at all; in fact, I sort of adored it. Mabel was so proud of herself, and she was having FUN. To see your child have fun may be the coolest and most relaxing thing in the world. With all the bull- shiz of our world, and all the craptastic stuff we have to go through, to get to see a few minutes of unadulterated, over- the- moon joy is a relief. I want Mabel to experience joy like that all the time. I don't want her to be sad, and I want her to giggle all the time about stuff that might otherwise seem mundane. I know that's a pipe dream, because Mabel is going to face all sorts of challenges and sadnesses, and I hope I can handle it, because sometimes I doubt that I can. I literally shake when I think about her being in pain. It is a very visceral, very basic, instinctual reaction that I'm sure all parents have, but it scares the pants off me.
Mabel is, in fact, finding humor and enjoyment in lots of things as of late, and seeing her make these discoveries has made the fussiness and overtiredness and anything else annoying much less so. She knows that when you pick up a hairbrush, you put it to your head and brush your locks. Mabel tries, and she cracks up while doing it. I love it! She has a new table and chair set, and gets very excited to get into the chair, pounding on it until I help her up. She loves her push toys, smiling away when she comes into a room where J is or I am, seeming to express, "Hey- look what I'm doing!" And she has started referring to anything appealing as "ba ba"-- which started as her word for her literal bottle-- but now lots of things are ba ba-- any Sippy, any food she wants, any toy she wants to play with. Ba ba seems to be "cool thing I must have." I love that Mabel is discovering lots of things that make her light up-- that she is finding joy in tons of simple stuff, because that simple stuff is actually awesome to her.
It's probably because I teach high school, but I am utterly sensitive to the difficulties, tough emotions, bullying, stress, and fear that teenagers feel; no longer are they marveling at a hairbrush or a chair. They are faced with more rough stuff than we ever faced in high school, and I hate thinking about my friends' kids and my own daughter having to be in that place someday. I see things go on at work that terrify me when I think of Mabel and whether J and I will do a good job in giving her a skill set to deal with difficult things. For now, I am going to try to sit back and enjoy the giggles and grins and little steps and toy- playing. She is growing WAY more quickly than I really want her to, and I don't want to miss anything.
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