Lighten up!

At the end of my sixth grade year, we received our yearbooks and the cool thing to do was to get friends-- and even a few likable teachers-- to sign it.  I loved my history teacher that year and asked her if she would write me a message.  She agreed, and when she handed the book back to me, I was puzzled by the message: "To J, my most serious student in 6th grade.  You'll do fine in 7th grade.  Relax and stop worrying!"  Wow, I thought, that's how she knows me?  As the worrier girl?  And then THAT idea made me worry more.

Yes, I remember that message word for word, despite that I haven't looked back at the scrawling in probably ten years or so (hmm, where ARE my middle school yearbooks, anyway?).  I don't think I will ever forget those words because they made me see a piece of who I was, and am today.  Over the years, I have debated whether being a "serious" person is good or bad.  Mostly I've thought it bad, and that I should try to get over it and just, you know, be different.  But at other moments in time, I've accepted my worrying nature and have even somewhat resigned myself to it.  Is that good to do though?  I still can't decide.

Besides the yearbook message, I used to hear lots of messages from people about my worrying,  My mom would throw cliches on me, such as "Roll with the punches!" and "Lighten up!"  Hmm.  How do I DO that, I would wonder?  How do I stop caring?  How do I stop my mind from working like crazy? (Side note: I still don't know.  If anyone has the answer, please write me.)

Starting around age 23, I have here and there sought therapy for my anxiety.  I don't go anymore, but it did help me in bits and pieces.  Some professionals like to suggest medication for worry, and while I'm certainly not above it, I like to think I can work on myself without it.  Plus, I don't think I'm reliable enough to be expected to take something every day.  I manage to get that done with my birth control pill and that's a miracle in itself (overshare, I know).  But one therapist said to me, "Why wouldn't you take medicine?  If you had Diabetes, you'd take insulin."  I think shrinks love that Diabetes analogy.  And there's probably something to it.  But for some reason (probably because I am, yes, a huge worrier), I've been sort of afraid of "altering" myself with meds.  And so I've looked to other things, and, sadly, the girl who always obsessed over her academics has failed in this pursuit... miserably.

I don't sleep well... like, at all.  Every night, I'm plagued with multiple wake- ups and vivid dreams that range from nightmares to just entirely weird (but often scary) scenarios.  I'm tired a lot because of it, and that doesn't do a lot for the anxiety.  I ruminate a lot.  I chew on things like a cow would, mashing worries around and around my brain.  I will take a thought and dissect every centimeter of its body, like we used to do to those frogs in science class.  Days will go by and I'll still be on the same worry.  "How will I ever get that project done?"  "Who will be first in my family to get a life- ending illness?"  "What if Mabel gets XYZ disease?"  

And that's where "lighten up" has never been needed more: in my parenting department.  I've blogged before about the worry of motherhood, and about how it's a whole new level of anxiety.  I always make this assumption that every other parent out there handles things better than I do, that I suck at being able to weed out actual threats from abstract concerns.  "Reasons" to worry are everywhere I turn: when I log onto the "What to Expect" website and the top button bar bears " Autism in Toddlers" and "Dangerous Household Chemicals" as its suggestions for what people at my stage of parenting might like; when I see an autistic kid at school struggle; when I hear people talk about speech and language delays at work; when I go on Facebook and see one of those posts to please donate to a charity for this 18- month old with Neuroblastoma.  I always assume everyone else has the ability to look past this frightening stuff.

But it turns out I've been wrong.  While I know I could win a blue ribbon in the art of worrying, I found out this week that lots of parents obsess over things.  My 60- year- old coworker told me she prays every night that her two grandsons won't be autistic.  My friend mentioned to me casually that she won't let anyone else drive her kid around in a car.  And another friend expressed that she fears Sudden Infant Death Syndrome even though her child is 2. And I could go on with a few more.

I know I'd be a fool to think this parenting worry ever ends; I know the variety of worries just changes.  So how do we get relief?  How do we lighten up?  How do we be more present?  How do we not sweat the small stuff, as pop culture would exhort us to do through those cheesy books?  How do we find peace without having to take meds or slug back a bottle of wine a night?  Some days, I feel like I can't take any more obsessing-- that my mind is going to explode.  Researching the heck out of crap (like I did when breastfeeding wasn't working out for me) sometimes gives me solace.  (If you research enough, you can always find something online that will tell you that you are doing things right, even if you feel deep- down like you are not).  But researching can make things worse, too, and is THAT the only way to lighten up-- to read the shiz out of something to the point you've tired yourself of the topic?  That doesn't sound very light and airy to me.

My coworker recently posted on Facebook an article about being more mindful with your kids-- not being more careful or overbearing, but being present in every moment.  Watching how they maneuver a toy.  Observing how great it is to be outside with them in the backyard.  Not checking text or email, and just sitting with your child.  I know I need to be better with that practice, but I wonder if that's how we lighten up-- by pulling back and seeing how something goofy makes Mabel laugh, and how truly awesome it is that she's laughing.  That J and I created a human, and she has a personality, and it sparkles.  In my last entry, I talked about finding fun, and experiencing the same fun that Mabel does.  maybe I need to do that, but even more mindfully.  Ignore everything else and just be.

I don't know what the key is to following Ms. Chambers' advice-- to relax and stop worrying.  I am who I am, yes, and a lot of my worry- capacity is genetic and hard- wired, but I don't want to start making excuses for myself.  It can't possibly be fulfilling enough to say, "I'm just a classic worrier!" and give up on finding peace.  I know there's beauty all around, even if I don't have the time to do a 30- minute meditation every day.  Maybe some deep breaths and a few good laughs with the little girl will do a body good. Maybe then I will have "lightened."