I remember when I admitted on this blog that I am addicted to Etsy. And also when I wrote about the curse of the premium channels-- namely Homeland-- and its ability to suck me into a season in one weekend's time. But owning up to those things was sort of like admitting you like to clean the house or do crosswords. There's nothing about Etsy or Homeland that fries brain cells or is unhealthy. Etsy respects creativity, and Homeland requires at least a modicum of intelligence to follow along. But what I am about to admit to cannot be classified in either of those ways, and I know I risk judgment, ridicule, and scorn.
I am addicted to the Kardashians.
Yes, I do "keep up" with possibly the most ego- inflated, glamor- whoring family in all of Hollywood or California or the world. When I admit this vice to people I say things like, "I know it's terrible, and I know THEY'RE terrible, but I can't help it."
When I decided to really think about that statement though, I had to question it. Are they totally terrible? And of course I actually COULD help but watch them. What is so intriguing about this "famous- for- no- substantial- reason" troop of seeming buffoons, clad in plastic surgery and Louis Vuitton and bad lipstick?
I'd like to walk you through my love affair with the K's to do this whole concept justice. First of all, I never saw a single episode-- despite their being on TV for like 7 seasons now-- until I was on maternity leave with Mabel. Flipping through the channels one day while she slept or cried or ate, I came across an intense argument between Lord Disick (Scott) and Auntie Coco (Khloe). I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was amazing the dirty laundry these people were airing on TV. And lo and behold, a marathon was on, and I let myself get sucked in.
To this point, I've not seen a few of the middle seasons, and I look forward to someday going back to catch them all. I don't want to use them up too fast, so I must view sparingly. Let me break down some myths about the K's, or myths as far as I can see them:
1. They're not all stupid. Some of them say ditzy shiz, and it's not like any of them are being recruited for MENSA. But Kourtney is very business savvy, leading the sister- trio in a multi- location boutique ownership in which they have amassed millions of dollars. They also have navigated their way through clothing lines, perfume scents, and modeling spreads in trendy magazines. They know what they are doing when it comes to their finances and their business. One look at all their homes is indicative.
2. They're not evil. Ok, some have had bouts of evil. Scott was one of the biggest pricks on TV-- reality or non-- for a solid season. But he's cleaned his act up, and he's actually a really good dad and treats Kourtney well (usually). He is also quite amusing. I know you will be making me eat crow when he beats her or commits tax fraud over the next two years, but for now, I am sticking by this idea. Kris Jenner takes a lot of heat, but she's a nice lady. She's label- obsessed and a total fame- whore, but she means well for all her kids and grandkids. She is also modest in many ways, in that she goes totally public about her plastic surgeries (I hate when celebs deny it) and her inability to pee in public and her tendency to whiz her pants. She is a tad annoying when looking for compliments, but aren't we all a little insecure sometimes? She's got a camera on her like 26/7, after all.
3. The bitchy ones are entertaining. I'd file Kim here first. She has such a large stick up her ass that you can see it protruding from her Dolce and Gabana mini- dress. She is OCD and curmudgeonly, and it is really, really, really funny when the others try to mess with her and she gets all flipped out. Sometimes she talks down to the others, and you laugh hard at the sheer gall. Kendall and Kylie can also both be kind of brutal, given they are teens. And Kourtney-- though she is maybe my favorite-- she thinks the world will end if she gets chemical deodorant on her body or doesn't sleep next to Mason for one night. She also referred to herself as having the "confidence of a queen" once. I find all of this mesmerizing. I can't imagine living like they do, and it makes me want to watch more and more of it.
4. Their love lives have lots of normal parts to them. Ok, so you can't understand a 72- day marriage? Or marrying an NBA star (Lamar) one month after meeting him? Yup, these incidents are strange. But the K's have many everyday issues in their relationships too. Khloe and Lamar are struggling with fertility, and Scott and Kourtney are trying to carve out time for romance against the stress of having two small kids. Bruce and Kris-- after 23 years of marriage-- decided they need space from each other to stay happily married and have rented another property to make into his man cave (ok, so that's not normal-- but they're staying together, which is way more "everyday" than most spotlit couples). Kim and Kanye had to do a big search to find the perfect home, and Rob is still trying to get over his long- lost ex Adrienne. See, D- list celebs have souls and emotions too!
5. They have universal appeal. Adults in their 30s starting families-- check. A pitiable lone son among a sea of indulgent girlie- girl daughters-- check. (Oh, and he struggles with weight which is also relatable for many.) Crabby and often jealous teenagers-- check. Abandoned and resentful sons from a first marriage (Brandon and Brody)-- check. An athlete (ok, former-- wayyyy former)-- check. Grandbabies-- check. Friends who turn into frenemies-- check. Good food and drink-- and sometimes too much partying-- major check.
To conclude, I would like to point out that I have never seen a single episode of the real housewives of any county, nor any other reality series on Bravo. I have never watched a dating show or Rock of Love or that one with Scott Baio or the Brady Bunch guy. I have never seen Big Brother (though we may have to watch soon because J knows a girl on it) and haven't watched Real World in like 7 years. I don't watch any singing or dance competitions or pageant shows or programs about pregnant people (ok, I did once). Am I bragging? NO. I am pointing out that I know myself well, and I don't trust myself. I bet if I saw one episode of any of the above I could get sucked in, and I'm not sure I could defend any of those like I could my dear Kardashians.
J hates the very image of any of the K's. I have played with him before in waiting to see how long the show can be on the TV before he notices and wigs. Alas, I must DVR each Sunday night and watch when he is not around. He asked once how I could like The Newsroom and The Kardashians at the same time. He still doesn't understand how I can be jazzed up about well- known authors and etymology and grammar and still like to watch Kim Kardashian obsess over red wine spilled in her foyer. J just doesn't get it. I like character studies, and isn't THAT what this show is all about? Go DASH!
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