SAHM

I have to come right out and admit I have been struggling a little with the whole stay- at- home mom thing this summer.  Not struggling with being here-- I am enjoying the time away from work that I get to spend with Mabel, seeing her dance to any song that comes on the TV (her newest move is a squat up- and- down, but she also loves the sway, the twirl- in- circles [making her quite dizzy and looking like a drunk], and the happy feet jog) and watching her explore and figure out new things.  Yesterday I watched her make a tower out of stacking cubes for a solid fifteen minutes.  She easily made a tower, but the perfectionist in her made her go back and rearrange the cubes over and over until they were in the correct order of size.  I really do love having this time.

But maybe I love it because I know it isn't permanent-- I savor it more as a result.  I find the navigation of being a SAHM, as they call it, somewhat difficult because the parameters aren't clear.  People who are permanent SAHMs will laugh at this post, but for a newbie, it's hard. 

I'm not sure how much time I am supposed to spend cleaning or playing with Mabel or making dinner or resting/ hanging.  I feel guilty when I rest/ hang, but then sometimes I feel like I am SUPPOSED to do that a little when she naps so that I can rejuvenate.  I feel like I am SUPPOSED to cook dinner and have it ready for J (he has never demanded such a thing, but I impose it on myself), but then I feel guilty when I get annoyed at Mabel for hanging on me when I am cooking.  Am I supposed to be JUST tending to her, or to house stuff too?  Am I supposed to pretend she is my day job, like teaching normally is, and still do the cleaning and other house chores in the evenings or at times I would normally do them?  It's all very weird in terms of the shoulds.

I hate shoulds because they are always relative and according to some person's standards.  I know I have a Type- A personality, but that doesn't mean I want to clean and organize and be stressed and anxious every second of the day.  That's Monica on Friends, and she was a caricature more or less.  Nobody is THAT Type- A. It's funny because I am very Type- A about some things around this house (J laughs at me because anything of Mabel's that is a set [ blocks/ her board book collection/ stacking cubes] I must put away perfectly before I go to bed.  I must have some crazy latent fear that one piece will go missing and the world will turn to anarchy!)  But today I vacuumed my car and realized I am most definitely not Type- A with that.  I am horrified to say I don't know when the last time was I did that.  But the vacuuming around here gets done daily.  Mabel throws so much food that I pull that Dyson sucker out daily.  Some things just take greater priority over others. 

And so as a SAHM, I am having trouble prioritizing.  It's a First- World problem, and I am absolutely not asking for sympathy.  I'm merely making an observation.  I don't know how to be a SAHM.  And part of me feels really, really bad about that.  Because it makes me feel I am lacking some gene.  I am inept to be a SAHM. 

I've made it work for a month, and I'm not effing anything up majorly or anything.  I just feel like I could always be doing more in some department-- either for Mabel or the house or school (yes, teachers do work in the summer when we are "off"-- AKA on unpaid leave).  I know I tend to be hard on myself-- I've been told that in many situations and facets of my life.  But this one has got me.  I knew I didn't really WANT to be a SAHM.... but I didn't think I would feel so eluded by it.

If you're home everyday with your kids for the foreseeable future, I'm sure you get involved in all sorts of activities.  Playgroups and playgrounds becomes part of the weekly schedule, and I know I could handle that.  I didn't sign Mabel up for anything this year because she's not even 18- months- old, and I, selfishly, wanted to maximize time with her.  I looked at a mom- and- tot swim class at the pool up the road, but the class for her age group was on Saturdays, which J and I decided to keep clear for jaunts to the beach etc.  I am going to bring her to Story Hour on some rainy Tuesday morning, but other than that we are just hanging out.  She is my companion for all errands and my date for all outings.  It's been wonderful, but I hope I am doing what I should be.... according to that big book of shoulds that must exist somewhere.