Behind Closed Doors

When I was younger and we'd hear of some terrible happening in someone's home-- like a divorce or a kid who fell into a drug problem or a bad argument-- and we'd say, "Wow, I would never have expected that!"  my mom would always tell us, "You never know what's going on behind closed doors."  I used to actually picture the people in a room, arguing or whispering or whatever, with these huge double- doors bolted shut.  While the literal interpretation is silly, it was a good life lesson. 

In the age of social media, there's this constant fine line between revealing too much about yourself and being a totally private, secretive hermit.  I remember reading this spoof about Facebook that classified FB users into types, and one type was the stalker-- the user who would creep up and read statuses and browse photos daily but never contribute a thing.  Then of course there was the oversharer-- who, for no good reason, would inform others of a minute- by- minute play book of the day.  Of course then you have your fishers-- the ones fishing for attention by writing purposely vague, elusive, seemingly deep and dark statuses like, "I just can't do it anymore..."  There were other types too, and the article was funny because as I read it, I thought of people I knew for each category.

All of this sharing on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or Snapchat (I have never even been on the latter two in my life) begs the question: What do you want to show to the world?  Where are you closing your doors, if at all?  And does it matter?  If others think ill or well of you, should you be affected?  (Ok, so that's several questions...)

I think back on an episode of Sex and the City (yes, again) in which Carrie obsesses for days about a girl named Nina whom Carrie is convinced is spending her days thinking about how much she hates Carrie.  She runs these thoughts by her girlfriends and Stanford, and despite their counsel to get over it, she can't... or won't.  Carrie literally trolls around looking for this Nina woman at the end of the episode to explain the circumstances of her break- up and her personal life, launching into a minute- long diatribe when she does locate her.  Nina just sort of looks at her quizzically, as if to say, "Why are you talking to me about this crap, psycho lady?"  and gives her a quick nod and an "okay."  The epiphany comes at that moment for Carrie-- that it doesn't matter what others think, and they aren't thinking about you as often as you believe they are, and all that good stuff.  You know, we are our own worst critics.  

But that thirty- minute episode, as much as I love the show, definitely wraps that concept up with a pretty bow way too quickly and easily.  In real life, we're faced often with questions about our public persona, even if we don't realize.  At the end of any day, as humans, we have a natural inclination to want to be likable.  And that yearning can make some tasks really challenging.

I use Facebook and generally I enjoy it.  As many studies have shown, social media-- particularly FB-- has a way of making people feel bad about themselves because they see these snippets of others' lives and feel envious.  "Wow, Jane's kid is just always smiling and laughing.  Why isn't mine?"  "Geez, Andy and Charlene went to Mexico AGAIN??  All they do is travel.  My boring life here sucks."  Of course Jane's kid has 6 tantrums a day but Jane doesn't want to put that into her public persona, and Andy and Charlene aren't going to invite you to join in on the twelve arguments they got into about where to stay in Mexico, or the conversation they had with the marriage counselor about how going away might really help things.  Most people want to keep that stuff behind closed doors.

And then there are a few FB users who come clean to less- than- desirable shiz all the time.  They'll post pics of their toddlers screaming or seagull poop on their beach towel.  They'll admit to lots of crappy stuff-- the traffic they sat in this morning, how much they hate their boss, how they can't find a good babysitter... and then, hmmm, it starts bordering on the oversharing or even fishing.  Gosh, this FB crap is a slippery slope, eh?

So if all this sharing- or- not is so complicated, why don't we say EFF IT and post away?  Some do. some definitely do.  I've hidden them from Newsfeed, but they don't know, so they don't care.  I did it behind my closed doors.

I've been finding myself lately trying not to overdo it with FB posting, and especially with pictures of my kid doing "amazing" things.  I worry it's boring to other people, at a certain point, and people feel like they HAVE to like it or comment on it.  With all the "required" liking, FB feels like a chore sometimes!  I truly do LIKE seeing cute pictures of my friends' kids doing new activities, or my cousin surfing or my coworker running a tough race.  But I have to admit, it would almost be more fun to hear about the massive crap he felt like he had to take the whole time he was running.  That status I would definitely LIKE.

Back at square one, but I do have a point.  From all the real, behind- the- scenes stories I have heard about seemingly- blissful couples and more- than- amazing jobs, I know that most of what is on Facebook or any other outlet is window dressing.  Or it's double- door dressing while other things are going on.  But why do we join?  And contribute?  And keep liking things?  And having fun on social media?  Because maybe what goes on behind some people's closed doors is just too yucky.  Maybe the respite from the dour and the dreary is the perfect pick- me- up, even if it's not reality.

I wish I had the balls to post more of the crappy stuff that happens-- when Mabel pees her pants because I didn't change her diaper for 6 hours or the drain gets stopped up because we let pasta get down it.  But the minute- by- minute "this is my life" is scary because I worry it is egotistical.  I will admit readily I find comfort in fouls and follies and they are often way more funny than the manufactured sunshiney stuff we get inundated with on Facebook, but I'm convinced nobody cares that much about my day.  And they'd start tiring of me.  And behind their closed doors, they'd say, "Ugh, she is so self- involved!" and then I'd find out and want to hunt them down at the park in New York City with Stanford.