Time in a Foreign Land

I suppose you could say that during the summers, I am a stay- at- home- mom (SAHM).  I don't work for those ten weeks, and until this year, the two summers that I have been a mother have meant lots of rewarding alone- time with Mabel.  Yet, by the end of August each time, I have been somewhat looking forward to getting us back into the usual routine.  I figured I would always feel like that come August.

Dottie was born in January, which meant I started my maternity leave in the winter, and I had seven months off total.  I am headed back to work next Monday, and not even an ounce of me is ready or willing.

I am stunned by my own feelings here.  I've never felt that I was cut out to be a SAHM, nor that I would want to be one.  And I know that deep- down I want to work.  But these seven months of existing in the foreign territory of the SAHM have been eye- opening... and even a little appealing.

I keep trying to figure out what's different this time besides the obvious (that I have two kids now instead of one).  I think part of my sadness about the SAHM time being over stems from my being able to see my two kids interact a lot as of late.  Dottie was not much more than a cute little blob who sat there for a few months, but now she emotes, moves all around, and, most significantly, is in love with her sister.

We've developed quite a few daily rituals over these past months, and I am crestfallen to have to see them go.  One is that each morning, Dottie wakes up around 6/ 6:30, and she and I hang in my bed.  We "chat" and she drinks her bottle and coos and plays with my face, and rolls around and stretches.  After about an hour, the poor thing is tuckered out again and needs a short nap.  Somewhere around there is when Mabel gets out of bed and runs into my room, chanting, "Hi, Mommy!  I'm awake!  I'm not tired!  Hi!"  She then climbs up into the bed and we watch Caillou until we hear Dottie cry for us.  At that point, Mabel insists on going to see her first.  She tells me, "Mommy, DON'T come!"  and then goes to get her "shtep- shool," and plants it in front of Dottie's bed.  That's when I usually creep in and adore what I see.

Mabel sticks her little head down into Dottie's crib and proclaims, "Hi, baby sister!"  She then tries to hug her and always asks me, 'Take it out?"  I laugh daily that Mabel hasn't mastered those pronouns yet and calls her sister an "it," but I comply and lift Dottie up.  I hold her from her underneath area and make it like she's standing in the crib.  The two then hug, and Mabel goes absolutely crazy for the whole thing.  I can't imagine that anything else could make her as happy as she is when Dottie is awake, which for weeks she called "abake."  And the feeling appears mutual; Dottie never smiles so openly and exuberantly as she does when Mabel is around.  The moment Mabel walks into any room, Dottie stares and smiles like a romantic kid with a crush.  If Mabel cries, Dottie cries because she fears Mabel is not okay.  It is incredible to me how siblings sense their bond from the literal beginning. 

We then do diaper changes and head downstairs for our breakfast.  We sit together, as Mabel insists on being near both me and Dottie in a "grown- up" chair while Dottie chills in the high- chair.  Over breakfast, we chat and sing and play songs with our drumming hands on the table.  At that point, even if I already have a plan for us, I ask Mabel what she wants to do that day.  Sometimes it's something I can make happen.  Other times, I love to surprise her with news of a playdate or time at the zoo.

I could go on and on and describe our days in this fashion, as there are so many fun rituals we have created.  But it doesn't matter much WHAT the rituals are-- it's that we have them, and both M and D (and I!) have gotten used to them and have found comfort in them.  I am terrified to have that security blanket leave us.

In my time at home creating these memories, I have also met some permanent SAHMs.  I've made many observations and it's been enlightening to hang with people whose lives are so different from mine.  More on that to come in a part 2...