I should definitely be asleep right now. It's 11pm on the night before I rise early and head back to the job that I've had for 14 years now. Back to school is always bitter- sweet come late August, but it's not usual painful. It's not usually making me sob like a baby into my comforter while I try to use the silly Kardashians as a distraction, and my sweet family sleeps. It's not usually something that terrifies me. And it's definitely never been something that has made me incredibly sad.
Tomorrow I will go to work for the first time in seven months, and as I revealed in a previous entry, I never thought I would wrangle so much with the idea of leaving SAHM- hood. I have shocked myself with how much I have loved being home with my babies. I want to make time stand still.
Since I can't do that, and I also can't stay up all night crying (though I may have zero control over that), I thought blogging would help. Rather than feel terrible, I thought I'd try to practice an "attitude of gratitude." And so, I wish to compose a thank you letter to my maternity leave-- my messy, stressful, life- altering, beautiful seven months with my children.
Dear Leave:
Thank you for sessions of sitting in bed together on rainy days, watching Caillou and Dora and Sesame and deciding that it was okay to go until noon in our jammies. Thank you for bananas and strawberries and "wice cakes" and "seeral with milk." For Dottie's first bites of mangos. For Mabel's obsession with chocolate ice cream, and her drippy chin, and the many clothes she ruined with desserts, even though I pissed and moaned about the stains. Thank you for the jubilation she found in eating that ice cream as messily as she wanted, at Dairy Queen while we talked about the different cars whizzing by, or at Black Cow when Mabel took so much pride in picking our table. Or at Spruce Pond when we all sat on the bench and let the refulgent summer sun hit our faces.
Thank you for giving me the need and then the courage to seek two Mom's Groups, and for the wonderful women I met. For Mabel's delight in playing with Kai and Cece and Julie and Lily and Avery, and for getting so tuckered out she nearly fell asleep in the car on the way home each time. Thank you for letting me see how stay- at- home- moms do it, and for letting me appreciate their work and plight. How great it was to know new people and drive around in one mom's parents' farm tractor, while Mabel lit up and couldn't stop remarking about how "MANY TREES THERE ARE!" Thank you for getting me to my first indoor kids' playspace and making me see they're not so bad, and that if your kids are having a blast, you'll hang out just about anywhere.
And then there were our zoo trips-- to Capron and Southwick. I have never seen a more perfect sight than Mabel's excitement over feeding animals. Thank you for giving us sunshine. And thank you for bringing us to playgrounds and letting Mabel discover monkey bars and Dottie light up swinging for the very first time. Thank you for Mabel's telling me, "Mom, BIGGER! Make the pushes BIGGER!" What a brave and fun-loving little girl she is-- slides, swings, poles, ladders, ropes--- she explored it all.
Thank you for the changing interactions between Dottie and Mabel-- from Mabel's being unsure of how to act around a teeny baby, to understanding it at a level I never thought possible. Nothing compares to seeing them bond as sisters. Thank you for Dottie's gorgeous smile when her sister approaches, and for the change to a big, ecstatic laugh, just because Mabel is there. Thank you for letting me watch Dottie simply stare in awe at Mabel. And thank you for showing me how Mabel "reads to" her sister, and talks to her on the phone (Hull-oh? Oh, hi! What ya doin'?), and says her name with the sweetest accent. Thank you for the way when Mabel wakes up and groggily rubs her eyes, the first thing she does is ask where Dottie is. And thank you for the way Mabel comforts Dottie when she cries; Ryan Huston sings, "Only you know me like the winter knows the rain, and only you know just how to make it all okay." This is Mabel and Dottie.
Thank you for silly bath tub splashes and tickle tortures, and funny chalk drawings. And for chasing and racing, and making Mabel think Dottie was going to get up and start walking to "geeeet her!" Thank you for dance parties to Party Hits, like "Return of the Mack," while Dottie jumped non- stop in her jumper and Mabel did the Shoulder Shimmy and Happy Feet. Thank you, even, for Mabel's telling me, "Mom, DON'T dance!" or "DON'T sing!" because she wanted the spotlight.
Thank you for cooking together, and letting Mabel organize the silverware after dishwasher runs. And for Dottie's quiet contentedness in her Bumbo chair. Thank you for both kids' excited squeals when J got home from work, as we told him excitedly what was for dinner.
And while there were some challenging moments, thank you for the tough times too. Thank you for giving me perspective, and for making me see that even after a temper tantrum, all I wanted to do was hold Mabel or Dottie. Thank you for giving me sympathy and empathy for other mothers in those hard moments, and for not losing my marbles when Mabel wouldn't leave the Providence Children's Museum or whined over and over about wanting to watch TV in the car. And for somehow not flipping out when Mabel colored walls with crayons.
Though I never valued them at the time, thank you for the extremely anxious post- partum days in Jan and Feb, for riding around with Dottie in the back seat and listening to "Magic" and crying my eyes out over how perfect she was. For the days I got to spend with just Dottie while T cared for Mabel. For the hours I spent, total, peering into Dottie's eyes as she ate or just played in my lap or smiled up at me and pulled my hair or scratched at my nose.
No matter where I am, work or home, nothing will ever change how much I love you both. I will only love you more each day. You, with your father, are my greatest gifts. I am blessed to have spent these months with you in our home or at play, near and far-- the three of us. Our conversations. Our time at the lake in Hopkinton. Our outdoor breakfasts. Our walks in the double- stroller. Our car rides to Target and Marshall's and Jamie's house. Our time chilling in Mabel's tent. Our trials and tribulations with tricycles and ride- on cars. Our snuggles while reading Pinkalicious and Little Hoot and Polar Bear, Polar Bear and Does a Kangaroo Have a Mommy Too? Each day you get up, Mabel and Dottie, you have no idea how you make everything in my life better. And while I am thanking my leave-- the time I got with you-- it was the two of you who made the months into the most precious time of my life.
I hope you can learn through me about how women can work in any career they want, and also be moms. They can find fulfillment at work and at home. They can dread going to work tomorrow yet know in some deep cavern of their hearts that going back is actually right, and will be okay. They know they would do anything to provide in the best way possible for their kids. I love you both... How much? As we always say, "This much? Nope. Thiiiiis much? Nope. INFINITY amount. That means no limit, no end. I love you that much."
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