Name

On Facebook, as with many social media outlets, you choose how you want your profile to look to others.  You pick a photo, and you decide what info about yourself is to be displayed-- including your name.  One might think the name is the most basic of profile elements, and I always thought it was too.  When I got married to J, though, I started to think more about what's in a name.

After our wedding, a couple weeks went by and one of my girlfriends commented on a picture of mine that it was "time for the name change!"  I hadn't even really thought about the change in terms of Facebook.  I'd always known that I would be happy to have J's name once we were married-- it's a great name-- and I like that it's his, and our family's, and I want to have the same name as my kids.  I had already started thinking about the paperwork I needed to do with Social Security and the like to change my name officially-- I just hadn't thought about it on Facebook.

J and I chatted about the whole name thing one night, and he said he wanted me to do what I preferred-- that he would love for me to take his name but if I felt strongly about keeping my maiden one, he understood.  I told him that while I can be feministic in many ways, not having changed my name on Facebook or at school was in no way a "women's rights" move.  I just hadn't felt comfortable switching my name at work well into the school year, and with Facebook, well, it just hadn't crossed my mind. Since I had joined FB in 2008, I'd always had one name-- my maiden name-- and that's all I knew. 

But I really was (and am) proud of my new name; I hopped on Facebook and went to change "Brown" to "Thayer" (yup-- pseudonyms).  I liked very much looking at my first name with Thayer.  But it seemed natural to post my name as "Brown Thayer."  There was just no question that I would leave the maiden name with the new one.

Most of my married friends-- all but just a couple-- have their maiden names with their married names on Facebook.  I think the most common reason is that people are often searching for/ coming across folks they grew up with or haven't seen in 20 years.  Those people wouldn't know you by your married name.  When I thought about why I insisted on keeping Brown, that common reason was one of mine.  But I knew that wasn't the whole picture.

After my divorce in 2008, I had to reinvent myself.  I had been with my ex since I was 21.  I was his girlfriend, then his fiancee, and then I was his wife.  I never took his name-- not through the government nor at work-- though I had taken it in a couple places (voter's list for the town, a couple credit cards, the phone book).  I hated his name.  It was one of those names that make middle- school kids (and let's face it, adults) chuckle.  It had a word in it that is a nickname for testicles.  As a high school teacher in her twenties, there was no way I was being Mrs. You- Know- What.  Just no way.  And truth be told, I was embarrassed of the name in general life too.  He and I had many a squabble over this issue.  He didn't see anything wrong with the name, and I tried not to hurt his feelings but I loathed it. 

Looking back, the distaste for the name was symbolic or maybe symptomatic of grander issues in the relationship.  If I'd been happy with him, I would have been able to grin and bear the name for the sake of our family.  Instead, I agonized over teasing our future kids would endure, and wondered about ways I could possibly alter or edit the name.  These worries were all in the time frame when I was miserable in the marriage, feeling trapped by our ill- suitedness for each other.

So there I was at 28 and a half years old, starting over, and of course I was happy I was still "Brown" and didn't need to revert.  No major changes needed.  But even though I had always still been Brown on most papers, I was now Brown in heart and soul.  I was on my own-- nobody to provide for me, nobody to talk about a future with me, nobody to want to start a family with me.  I was okay with this.  And I grew to be independent-- and to think about how I might always be Brown.  There might be no Mr. and no family.  I didn't like that prospect but had to make peace with it.

When J and I fell in love and got married, I couldn't have been prouder to be his wife.  But there was this nagging from the city- livin' independent lady saying, "Don't give up who you are!  You are still YOU!  A Brown!"  For the past 12 years, I'd been Ms. Brown at work.  I'd bought the Brown family crest when I was in Ireland.  I had my bills and letters delivered to all my apartments as Brown.  I was proud to have my parents' name.  A piece of me didn't want to let go.

My real name is longer than Brown, and my married name is a lot longer than Thayer.  It probably looks somewhat ridiculous on Facebook for me to have such a long name.  But I won't take the Brown out.  I love being a Thayer-- and now am one officially in every way, shape, and form.  On my Social Security card, on my license, on bank accounts and ATM cards, at work (still getting used to my students calling me Mrs. Thayer), and on mailings.  I love my newish name.  I love being a Mrs.  I love having the same name as J and my kids.  My heart is completely into Thayer-- but I think that forever--- whether it's from what I went through during and post- divorce or whatever else--- my soul will always be Brown.  

Most of the students I had last year or the year before, whom I still see in the hallways, call me Brown.   They don't know of the change or don't care to get used to it since they don't see me daily.  Yet, there is something so endearing and comfortable when I hear, "Hey, Ms. Brown!" in the corridor.  I never correct them.  Maybe my secret joy in hearing my old name means I haven't fully adjusted to the new one yet, or maybe it means I enjoy thinking about my "old self" as I hope she hasn't totally disappeared.