This morning I saw a post on Facebook about a guy I used to date; his wife wrote that they are expecting triplets. I was stunned-- largely because I can't imagine ANYONE having three babies at once-- but also because it's weird to think of him as a dad.
I don't mean any slight against this guy. We dated in 2008, during a summer and fall that were among the most frivolous seasons of my life. Looking back, we had little in common besides summer rental houses in Newport. He was a generous, kind, gentlemanly type when we were alone, and a partying, immature man-boy when with his friends. Once out for dinner, as I talked of how I liked the book Catch Me If You Can better than its film counterpart, he said with both astonishment and disdain: "You read? Who reads?" Um, have you forgotten the part about how I am an English teacher? A week later we were broken up, and I know he was just as bored with me as I was with him.
Still, after our break- up phone conversation, I was a little sad. We'd had a lot of fun together, and I'd gotten used to talking to him every day at exactly 5:30 when he would call on his way home from work. He was funny, and he listened. And we had a physical attraction and connection. When I thought about it, I knew I'd never see him again despite that age- old break- up promise to "stay friends." He continued to drunk- text and Facebook chat me with booty calls (NONE to which I obliged, thank you very much). There was some satisfaction in knowing he was still thinking of me, but I knew why; hence, I never went to see him. I ran into him at a PF Chang's once a few weeks later, and he was sweet. I remember knowing I didn't want to go back to dating this guy at all-- he was all wrong for me-- but there was something about this boy. And probably, I just missed the companionship.
About three months later, a friend told me that this guy had a serious girlfriend. I was upset. "How could HE end up with someone while I've found nobody? And how could he go from sending me those inappropriate texts to falling in LOVE with someone?!"
I got over these feelings soon enough. Fast- forward several years and we are still friends on Facebook. I've gone through my list and unfriended almost every guy I went out with in the past. I don't need these now- random men, to whom I have not even a tenuous friendly connection, seeing pics of my children, or any other aspect of my life. But this guy still seemed harmless, and I felt I'd shared more with him than with some of the others. Plus, I somewhat enjoyed seeing his updates. There is something fascinating about his being a husband and dad-- and I'm sure he is good on both counts. He came from a nice family, and he really did want to settle down with the right person. But it's hard to reconcile that this silly and childish lush is now about to be a dad of four.
It got me thinking about how we consider people from our pasts-- however insignificant or significant they may be. This guy I have been describing, for all the descriptions I gave, really is rather insignificant in terms of the chapters of my life. Yet, he spurred me to think more about this whole "break- up and break- all- off" concept.
I still think of.. was it Mack that I called my ex- husband in another post? Think so. I don't think of him daily, but I think of him. And I have, yup, I will confess it, searched him in Google and on Facebook. I can never find much, but a few basic searches have opened up a bit about his current life.
I know he is a dad to three. I truly am happy for him. I know he always wanted a family. I think he must be a pretty good father-- I can only assume he's very involved in his kids' lives. I start to shudder when I think of how controlling he also probably is, but I bet he cares lots for his kids.
I have no idea what his kids look like, or what their everyday life is like. I really have no more outlets to Mack's life, as our mutual friend list has dwindled over time. I haven't seen Mack since March of 2008, and haven't spoken to him since that July. Some days, it's incomprehensible to me that someone I spent 8 years with, and 4 years married to, could be a 100- percent stranger to me now. I wonder if I'd know him if I saw him in a crowd.
And so all of these thoughts led me to see that demises to relationships-- be they big or small-- are deaths. I grieved my divorce in terms of the fact that love had dissipated over time, or changed form or whatever. I grieved his moving on to a new girl really freaking fast. I grieved the loss of a husband, through and through. But I never really thought of how sad it was that Mack would ultimately end up "dead" to me. I don't mean that in a Mafia way, but more just that he is in no way involved in my life in any form.
And as a woman of 35 who dated through her teen and college years and then again from 28 to 31, I see that there are lots of guys who are dead to me. I know I sound naive because, yes, that's the essence of a break- up--- getting to say, 'I don't want to see you anymore." But it's weird. You let people in, share tons about yourself, experience all these things that become memories, and then eventually you never see them again. What a crazy phenomenon.
As time passes, the same thing happens with friends, coworkers, and even just the people you have little everyday encounters with, such as the dental hygienist. You talk lots and let people in, and then they're gone. One of my "best friends" from high school is now nothing more than a Facebook acquaintance, for no reason other than the fact we lost touch, she lives far away, and we don't seem to have much in common. No fight. No blow- out. No break- up. No divorce. Time just.... happened.
The same sadness comes over me when I think of former students. By this point, I have taught thousands of kids. I like to think each year, "There is no way I will ever forget any of these kids." But I do. Of course I do. The human memory is not capable of more. And even with the ones I remember, I know I won't see them again. These kids who spent ten months in my room, sharing insights, working hard, and laughing at jokes, and even sometimes crying to me or sharing life's difficulties--- most of them I will never see again.
All I can make of this realization is that life is about the people whom we come in contact with, and each time, it must be for a reason. Some people teach us little things, and some, even when they don't know it, play much larger roles. Even a silly fling that lasted 4 months could end up showing you a lot about your needs and emotional well- being. A long relationship or friendship could have played a role of support for you for many years-- and then maybe they go help someone elsewhere. Maybe neither of you needs the other anymore, and there wasn't enough in common to begin with in order to keep the friendship going.
I have people in my life whom I could not imagine EVER straying from or leaving behind. EVER. And there must be some kind of tight indescribable bond that ropes us together. It's a good thing, because we need them there when the other ones come and go. It's hard sometimes for me not to be bitter after friendships fade or people leave, but it's a damn good thing there are those who will always stick around. And when a relationship ends that you never thought would, you get to find out who the ones are that really care-- and they will, thankfully, remind you over and over.
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